The World According to One Lonely Lab Rat

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Happy Father's Day. From me and Ed OG (a rapper from boston. this song is pretty old but cool.

i will post videos and stuff while i'm not posting journal stuff.

the first video itself is not exciting. all you see is the car in front of me as i drive, but i'm singing/rapping/whatevering, so its more just a sound file but i recorded it with the camera cuz i was in the car, plus its easier for me to upload from a camera.
its mostly from a rhyme i know from being in the one act play of chicken little when i was younger. at one point i sound like esther, i didnt mean to. it just sort of came out like that. but she just had a birthday and since its from chicken little it seems appropriate that i would channel the voice of esther the kin of chicken.

anyway, it sucks in parts, but its a little better than usual cuz in my car i dont fear my neighbors hearing me

oh and for fun the video for deeper shade of soul, an awesome song and video from 1990 by Urban Dance Squad

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today i bought a new cord so i could upload my photos, but there are almost 4 weeks worth of photos that needed editing, so i've edited half. i'm going to bed, so i'm not gonna put them up right now except for 2 that i took of my computer screen showing a couple whiteboard drawings from Bebo.com.
I would be extremely happy if LJ would install a feature like the whiteboard. It is basically just a paint program, but you can just draw instead of write on your own page as wel as for commenting on others. It would be neat if LJ did a similar thing, letting you post drawings in your blog.
I drew these both a while ago.

 

Dancing Stoned Little Superstar
(this is not a kid)


These videos do not necessarily depict my own views, this collection especially.

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i took this once before but i dont know when and it may have gone up. i dunnno

i called my doctor thursday and i tested negative on my HIV test. thank you all for your support and assuring me that that would be the result.
the only thing that kind of sucks is that even though i obviously dont want AIDS, a positive test would have proven to me that i was indeed raped, because my memory of the experience is quite foggy. Dissociation can be a bitch sometimes. But i talked to Dr. Reising about it and he reminded me that i am not being judged or jurried, and i am showing all the signs of a person who was recently raped, and the pain i feel does not need to have proof. i'm glad i got Dr. Reising even though once upon a time i couldn't stand him. We worked that out a long time ago and the other Dr i've had here is a little prick. ha. 
hellotrippy and i were just talking about the little prick a couple weeks ago. 
Elisa is my social worker too, which is really nice. It's kind of odd i guess cuz she was at my wedding and i have stayed close with her over the years, but it doesnt feel odd, its nice. 

Yesterday i almost flipped out though. A staff person i used to get along with ok has been passively aggressively attacking me since the other day when she witnessed me not stand up for her when everyone else was talking shit about her. It is not my job to stand up for staff people.

As most of you know, i am not anal about pronouns. Especially when it comes to people who knew me before, when i was known as Keri, known as She. i understand that switching everything over to male in people's minds is not easy, and i have no problem with people saying her or she by accident.
Obviously here this has happened quite a few times because the lasst time i was at this hospital i was just starting to live as Jymi full time. I had not had my top surgery yet so it was kind of hard to live as male full time.
ANYWAY, like i said, i can excuse an accident, but ever since i was caught NOT sticking up for B, she has gone out of her way to not only use the wrong pronouns, but also to call me "Girl" "girly", "keri" and says things like "the hospital really seems to bring out the maternal part of you" and shit like that. Then yesterday, out of nowhere, she walks up to me, puts her hand on my shoulder and says "Hey girl, you should think about doing some sit-ups or something and work off some of that extra weight"  TOTALLY uncalled for, not to mention that i have lost 65 pounds since the last time  i was here, so its not like i'm not making an effort. I snapped at her and said "I really don't appriciate you coming up to me out of nowhere and telling me i'm fat. I know i'm fat but i don't see how thats any of your buisiness"
I walked away and she followed me and put her hand on me again and i jolted back and told her to leave me alone. 
The day before she had also insulted me in front of everyone after i said i got my HIV test results which were negative, but that i was still having anxiety. 
She pulled me4 aside last night to "appologize" by saying "i'm sorry you think i was insulting you by giving you advice. i just thought that if you really wanna look like a man you need to do some sit ups and lose some weight. it wasn't meant as an insult, all right girl?" and i was just like FUCK YOU. 
i wanted to take an Ativan because my heart rate was 110 (they take vitals every few hours) and i was really anxious but i decided i wasnt gonna take a pill just cuz someone pissed me off.
anyway, peace

POEM FROM GROUP THERAPY
(different colors indicate the individual lines written by people. i wrote the first line and last line of this)

I'm trying to find where i got lost in time
it is wonderful to have family and friends that really care about you
i'm trying to care more about myself
I am grateful for my family and friends and there is hope for me.
getting lost can be scary, but with love and support you can find your way.
and you can begin to become the positive person you want to be.
the way of the lost will be found and brought home safely
i am so scared, and i feel all is lost . I do want to find my way home but i don't know
which way to turn.
Both paths seem equal, but in reflection we often find we chose the hardest one.
follow your heart, your brain has already gotten you in enough of a mess.
your heart and soul will help you get through tough times
trying to calculate might make you ache
but no matter what choices i make, i know deep down my life is not a mistake.

since i only have a few minutes on the computer here during occupational therapy, and i dont think i ever posted this to my personal journal (i had put it up on the femme ftm community) now seemed like a good time cuz i've been meaning to show you this for a while. It is really neat. My sister Lisa wrote this and it is called My Older Brother. It's not wicked long, but long enough that i'm gonna put it under a cut.

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so yeah, today in creative therapy we wrote poems, but we did it in a neat way where we each started out with a piece of paper, and a pen, and wrote 1 line to start a poem. then we passed it to the left and the person to the left would write the next line, then we'd pass it to the left again and so on and so forth until we got our own back and we wrote the last line. i did that once in writing class in beacon. it was really fun. its really neat to see how they come out in the end with different people in different states of mind and they come out really cool. i'll post mine later after i get it back. the OT woman is going to type them all up first.

So thiungs are going ok. Next group is spirituality group. i really like that group. havent been to it in over 3 years. the woman who leads the group is the hospital chaplin and she does not focus the group on religion or even God, it is about your spirit and how you care for it. Its cool yo. although sometimes in psych hospital groups things can get way off topic, i guess as they can anywhere.

ok. i need to make some birthday cards soon. Esther is on the 9th as well as my cousin kevin and then mike on the 11th. yay. oh and my cousin Ben just turned 9 and sam will be like 6 i think, so i need to make cards for them too. it will be good to make the cards. theraputic but also something i need to get done, and without the distraction of being in constant panic, i should be able to get it done. i wonder if i should try to get a restraining order. what do you all think? i plan to move soon. he already has been in jail for other things and he will be pissed if i put a Restraining Order on him. i think he MIGHT be involved in a gang, so my question is, if i put a restraining order will i make things worse? OR Would i be better off just praying for him to stop coming by and trying my best to say go away when he comes by if he does?

thinking of you all as i sit here in the psych ward. hope u are well. peace

i'm stressed. i'm happy and excited about this trip but i am nervous so much that now that i think now i fucked shit up due to how i act in an excited/nervous state.

oh dude. speaking of state. our state just had a tornado warning. they say its coming to the north shore tonight...soon i think. Same area as the wedding was recently, ipswitch, where melissa ferrick is from and i went to many amazing retreats.

they didn't say how big it was but they basically said "Duck and Cover"
awesome. tornado..missle? who really knows. we'll see what happens.

be careful if you live on the north shore. it is getting damn windy here too.